the subway that only goes one way.

[subjective]

things i am worried about.

that i am becoming too angry.
that i hold people to higher standards than i should.
that i hold people to higher standards than i hold myself to.
that i am losing perspective as i become more comfortable.
that i will never be comfortable.
that this matters.
that my family will hate me.
that my family will not believe me.
that i will not be accepted to grad school.
that i will be accepted & then discover i don't know enough.
that i will not be able to write/talk about things in a way that makes sense to people outside my general social/political circle.
that one day i will lose touch, & not notice it.

Comments

[anotheryourself.livejournal.com]

i definitely know that second to last feeling. i can hardly express myself to people who are.

[externaltext.livejournal.com]

that i will not be able to write/talk about things in a way that makes sense to people outside my general social/political circle.
that one day i will lose touch, & not notice it.

i worry about almost all the thing you listed, but especially these, lately. especially the last one. x100.

i <3 u.

[syndetic.livejournal.com]

I can relate to a lot of these also. Not that that does you any good.

I hope things feel better soon, though. You can email me if you're feeling ranty.

[adrienmundi]

I didn't realize that there was room in my head for another person. I can totally relate to most, if not actually all, of that. The one thing I will focus on is simply that it does matter. Though I don't have a lot of context from which to draw, I can't imagine that you'd ever lose sight of that, or turn your back on it. You seem more than tough and capable; I'm totally rooting for you.

[erickapander.livejournal.com]

if you're anything like me you will lose touch gradually, and YOU WILL NOTICE & HARDLY BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. but the latter part is mostly cos i'm cranky & don't care.

[subjective.livejournal.com]

i'm getting crankier every day, but i still care. i'm probably cranky because i care. is there hope for me? ;)

Re:

[erickapander.livejournal.com]

there's always hope for you ;).

[jactitation.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I'm with you. Although I did already get turned down from grad school. And accepted to grad school and at times feel I wasn't smart enough (but mostly not; if anything, I felt more that there weren't smart enough people around me to challenge me, but that gets back to the second fear, doesn't it?)

And I'd add as my fourth entry, "That I don't hold people to high enough standards, or maybe myself."

And then I'd add, at the bottom, "That I let these fears stop me from doing things I might otherwise try to do."

BTW, if you want to talk about Davis, Gordonzola said I might be able to tell you some things.

[subjective.livejournal.com]

ugh, now i'll have to worry that grad school will be unchallenging. thanks a lot! ;) no seriously, i would love to hear your thoughts on davis-- either the univ or the city. my email address is in my profile. take care.

[mala106.livejournal.com]

you are so conscientious and vigilant in your political thinking, that i would be extremely surprised if you were to lose touch. highly unlikely. you are a thoughtful, critically thinking person, and that is not going to disappear suddenly.

you do hold yourself to high standards and sometimes that worries me, but mostly i respect the hell out of you for it. maybe some of it will rub off and me. plus, it's good for me to be held to high standards again, after a decade of dwindling expectations, know what i'm sayin'?

whereas many graduate programs seem to be populated by directionless, unoriginal thinkers and neurotic, mediocre future academics, the programs would be stupid not to accept you.

the fact that you think seriously about whether or not you are losing perspective because of increased comfort bodes well for your not losing perspective because of increased comfort.

reminder: you are an intelligent, insightful, articulate person. i have no doubt that you "know enough." and don't forget that the ostensible purpose of going to school is to pursue knowledge. it's not a contest to see who is most fluent in academese.

and furthermore, i love you.

p.s. you can call me for debriefings when you are with the family of birth.

[jvb419.livejournal.com]

Not sure about the other items, but as to No. 1--too angry for what? The only consideration I think is worth worrying about is, too angry to maintain focus and keep your guard up. Otherwise, I think anger is completely appropriate. (Peggy used to scare fools in law school who asked how she stayed so thin by answering "Anger.") Time enough to be mellow in the grave.

[subjective.livejournal.com]

john, you (& peg) always know just what to say. thanks.

[jactitation.livejournal.com]

But I'm not so sure that anger doesn't really make us thin. Which for me means "eats away at our bodies," has real and debilitating physical effects. I'm not all into that "cancer is caused by not being mellow and accepting of bullshit around us" bullshit (ooh! bullshit twice in one sentence! how delightful!), but I also have suffered for over eight years from a chronic pain/mobility condition that is made worse by anger.

Now, I like anger. Anger is generally my first response to trouble, and usually I think that stands me in good stead. I never understood that bullshit (again!) about women not being in touch with their anger--oops, yet another thing telling me I'm not a woman (like porn, like sex, like anger, you know the drill). But there's such a thing as too angry. Being too angry to sleep fucks you up. Being too angry at small stuff to see the big picture fucks you up. Being too angry at people around you to let things move into shades of grey and see how you yourself might be implicated--at the very least, to see parallels with your own life and use it as lessons for yourself--fucks you up. Being too angry at the fuckness of the world to take a day off and enjoy how beautiful the mountain or the ocean or the rustbelt landscape is fucks you up. Fucks me up, anyways.

But, like the others who've responded here, I think that the process of worrying is also the process of balancing appropriate with excessive. As long as you don't get bogged down by worrying, you're doing fine, right?