eternal youth.

[subjective]

do i need to say this? that last entry does sound really pompous to me, rereading it this morning. my point (hopefully) was less about setting up a me=complex, they=simplistic dichotomy, and more about trying to figure out exactly how much overlap in ideology (political & otherwise) i really want from the people i work with, & how much i can realistically expect. and obviously i value their work & experience, else i wouldn't be applying to their programs, eh?

i think yesterday i just kept envisioning how strange it will be to move away (not entirely, but in part) from the bubble of my current circle, where everyone is using similar language & keeping up with similar issues/happenings. but really, given all my talk about how (formal) education needs to be reciprocal & go both ways, i should really be paying attention to how much productive conversation i think we can have, rather than necessarily the particulars of their political views.

um, last night yumi & i stood out in the fucking freezing weather for at least half an hour before we were let in (half an hour late) to see the future bible heroes. magnetic fields has better songs but fbh has truly hilarious lyrics. before the show we had tea & i realized that i really am consumed by thoughts of grad school. maybe it's just the intensity of putting applications together. i need to find other things to talk about.

i was having a really sad dream this morning when my alarm went off.

Comments

[on-reserve.livejournal.com]

i don't think you were being pompous at *all.* i've had so many upsetting "dialogues" lately with people who self-identify as radical feminists only to wind up gravely disappointed. i think you are very smart to consider the socio-political environment of the program you choose. since grad school is so time-intensive, one often ends up spending large blocks of time socializing/working with peers and mentors -- it's important that you feel like they will see where you're coming from or at least be willing to look at the map.

[jactitation.livejournal.com]

Totally agree! Sometimes my "colleagues" so disgust me that I think that I can't possibly want to work in this academic world. I need to be reminded regularly (through conferences, visits elsewhere) that every department is not like mine. (Though, to be fair, mine does have some wonderful features, like amazing grad student solidarity that's largely a by-product of not having to compete for support b/c there are so many TAships available.)

But the other part is that, yeah, you're going to "have to" do trans (and many other forms of) politicization wherever you go. Another way to look at it is, you get to and thus get to hone and refine your analysis in relation to hegemonic ideology constantly. And yeah, I get (and feel) that the "constantly" part is exhausting, but that's why we train at the gym/meditate/watch trashy TV etc. Right?

[adrienmundi]

While I totally get what you're saying, and agree with most of it, one particular word choice really sets off a rant in me; it's not specifically targetted, if that matters or helps.

I hate the idea that I, or anyone, should be excited about "getting" to teach everyone, all the time. That, to me, sounds very condescending and/or lazy on the part of the speaker(s). I break it down as, "Oh, lucky you, to be so off the beaten path that, just for the "luxury" of feeling even remotely at ease, you get to be a perpetual teacher! Isn't it wonderful that you get (ie, have to) grow by challenging others all the time? It's not a burden or an obligation, it's a gift!"

I'm usually gritting my teeth too hard to even manage to spit out, "Fine, if it's so great, you do it"....


rant off

[jactitation.livejournal.com]

I get what you're saying (one shouldn't have to be a teacher by virtue of one's social position), but since I'm talking to academics, I guess I'm assuming we are excited about being teachers! I love teaching. FUCKING LOVE IT. And I think it's cool that certain things about me put me in a position to not just go with the flow but to stop and say, hey, no, it's like this. And that's not just cos of how I was born (or where, or to whom, etc.) but because I'm political that way. And yeah, because of how the politics of knowledge is constructed, if I talk about Jewish stuff or queer stuff or feminist stuff I get listened to more than if I talk about peasant issues in Bangladesh. So be it. Different people will hear differen things I say, and do different things with that. And I don't stop talking. (Oops, typed that as "stalking"—well, that, too.)

[adrienmundi]

OK, I get all of that. I love teaching when the learning alone is the end; it's dynamic, it's fun, it's incredibly, addictively rewarding. If someone wants to learn, or even gives me an indication that they might like it, I'm suddenly like the worst junkie who thinks s/he's found a bargain dealer.

I guess my break is in the assumption (likely on my part) that the "getting to" means one has to teach everyone with whom one expects to have any sort of semi-meaningful interaction, whether they want to learn or not, just as a means of simple self-preservation. I compound this with the assumption that, if not actually happy, most people are comfortable with a zero sum, bipolar gender construction, and are incredibly resistant (often to the point of hostility) of any idea or instance that suggests things might be otherwise.

[subjective.livejournal.com]

hey you two. wow. i love this conversation.

j, i totally see where you're coming from & i'd actually already thought about how i can make the sort of compulsory educator role into a useful tool for myself, thinking of it as constant practice. i think that'll work for general politics & analysis within the dept, with colleagues, etc. even if we differ, i'll still be challenged-- if nothing else just to articulate my own politics & perspectives in a way that makes sense & adds to the debate. i just would rather be pushed farther (left) than feel reigned in. and i don't want to feel isolated by my politics & ideals, feel that there's no support within the program for the things i want to do & am thinking about.

but then there's the more specific issue of trans politics/identities, & this is what i think feckless is getting at. for me, i'm happy to discuss with people regardless of their prior knowledge base, but i'm really wary of the potential for them to work through their issues on me. like literally, using my body as the primary site on which folks become informed. i'm not really sure how to better describe it than that. so as feckless notes, it's self-preservation in terms of trying to form/sustain real connections with others (the alternative is invisibility &/or isolation, neither of which i deal well with!), but then it's also the self-preservation of not allowing that education-through-me to progress past a certain point.

wait, does that make any sense to anyone? if not i'll try again.

[adrienmundi]

concise, articulate, and to the point(s): makes perfect sense to me.

[jactitation.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, yes. And if folks haven't learned it yet, I think grad school is the place where, sink or swim, one learns to set limits.

[jvb419.livejournal.com]

I just sent you an email to the PRA address and it bounced. Can you email me with a working address? That's the only one I've currently got for you... thanks.