(no subject)

[subjective]

this morning while i was eating breakfast i realized that for the first time i can ever remember, i feel better being with other people than being alone. i have been feeling very on edge & vulnerable & jumpy these past couple of months, & the feelings are heightened when i'm alone. i have this sort of persistent feeling of oncoming dread and/or anxiety, like something is going to happen but i don't know what or when. i don't like feeling this way. but more, i don't like feeling like i need other people around me to decrease these feelings. i have always been staunchly self-sufficient & hyper-sensitive about dependency on other people.

i'm pretty sure i know the factors that are causing this, but that doesn't make it any better. i think i'll try to start doing morning meditation again & see if that helps me calm down in general.

went to practice last night for the first time in over a month. fucking sore today. a lot of my flexibility came back as soon as i got warmed up & started sweating, but my calves & ankles have tightened up a lot. sofy & i ate burritos & watched dogtown & z-boys on the big tv. much swooning ensued.